Holding on to sanity

I used to imagine the 3 month maternity leave would be the best me-time. Literally, i imagined my baby sleeping quietly beside me while I am working on my computer, completing the laundry list of works and modules I've planned to do or reading my umpteenth book while excitedly waiting for the next book to read. Even during the last day in the office before I got warded, I was telling myself what harm would it do to pop in the office for a while during maternity leave for me to finish off some work. And started wondering whether the security officers would allow people in confinement (read: wearing kain batik with pilis on the forehead) enter the building.

In reality, however, it is totally the opposite.

The first couple of weeks after leaving the hospital was the worst. Never did I imagine that I would be in a poor state of health. I freaked out when I learnt that the doctor only provided pain killer for 4 days only!

The first two weeks, I was walking with a hunched back as I was still recovering from the C-sect operation. I walked very slow, like the sloth in Zootopia. I couldn't sit up on my own after laying down, and always needed someone to hold on to and help me up. I couldn't even lie on my side as the stitches would ache and it felt like my entire womb and all my stomach's content has fallen to the side.  I couldn't even handle myself, what more to catter to a newborn baby that would cry every two hours.

I always had dreams to have many children. During the pregnancy, Farid and I were already planning on our second baby. But during that two weeks post natal, as I lay on the bed alone at night while the rest of the household has gone to sleep, I find myself saying, no way will I get pregnant for the second baby anytime in the  near future! That was how poor my health and mental condition was at that time.

I would cry to myself even to the idea that Farid will be going back to work. And as much as I could, I persuaded him to prolong his leave. I needed him to help me through those difficult times. When finally he had to go back to work, I cried again. I was so fragile. I was continuously consoling and motivating myself that everything would be ok. Even Farid had a jaulah during that weekend. He asked me if it is ok for  him to go. I looked at him and started crying. The next day I texted him apologizing for being so weak and said yes, he can go. That night as we sat together for dinner, he asked again if it was really ok for him to go. I cried. Again. After that, he cancelled his participation. I felt bad that he couldn't go, but relieved that he would be with me to handle the baby together.

I also found myself worrying over so many things that my head would hurt. Who will take care of my baby when I go back to work? How will I know if they are treating my baby well? Will they turn on bad music instead of nasyids and recitation of the quran? How much quality time can I spend with my baby? Should I quit my job instead and be a full-time mom? What will he grow up to be? Will I be able to teach him well? What if I don't? When should I start saving money for his future education? And 1001 more questions.. logical but wrong timing questions. I had to tell myself many times to let go and worry only when the time comes. I had to remind myself that I have no strength and power over my own baby; so I should put my trust in Allah that He will take care of my baby.

One thing I learned during these two stressful weeks was: post-partum depression is real! I am lucky to be surrounded by my family; husband, parents, siblings.. yet the pressure was still there. Imagine those who had to go through confinements on their own!

After the two weeks, I started regaining strength. And alongside a better and healthier body, my mind became calmer. Yet, it was still far from the me-time I had anticipated earlier on.

Straightening out wriggly lines

Back in my school days, maths was always my favourite subject. I love cracking the mysterious equations. I love to find solutions.

Occasionally, my mind would go blank due to overloaded information. The ability to think clear is as much as the empty space left available on the maths scribbling paper after answering up to 50 math questions - close to none.

But throughout the years, I managed to figure out what to do every time I face such situation. Since my mind was as messed up as the scribbling paper, all I needed was a new blank paper to clear up my mind. At it worked all the time. A new clear A4 sheet to jot down the new set of informations, largely as possible, to answer what appeared to be a complicated question. And like magic, my brain was able to function clearly again, to solve the apparently not so difficult questions.

And, that is what my mind is in need of at the moment.

Many things had happened within the past one year, from getting married, moving to a new house, changing to a different dakwah locality, getting pregnant and giving birth to my wonderful baby boy.

To sum up all that, it has been a blissful episode in my life. It wasn't until the baby came did reality of life started sinking in. I started to worry about the future, fearing the unknown, unecessarily feeling anxious of nearly everthing. Occasionally I find myself fretting and crying over such small matters. Small, unevitable matters.

And I know for a fact that my mind is cluttered. It is as messy as a mathemathic scribbling paper with close to none clear space left to solve the next equation.

Being a powerful choleric, I know I already have the answers, the facts, the logics. But they are all drowned in the garbage of worries and anxiety.

Thus I need this space as my new clean sheet. To sort things out. To declutter my mind. To join the dots. And answer the next equation in life.

Don't belong

It was like that time when I was still a kid. There was a bouncy castle, and the kids were divided into two groups: the big kids and the small kids. Two different teachers were in charge for each group. I joined the small kids group schedule to play on the bouncy castle. But after a few jumps, the teacher asked me to get down and join in the big kids session. So I sat aside, and waited for the big kids turn. When it was the big kids turn, I went on the bouncy castle again. But it wasn't long before the teacher for this session called me down and asked me to join the small kids session. I tried again, for the small kids session..but the teacher had set me aside from the very beginning, saying that she had already told me that I'm too big to join the small kids group.

I finally realized that I was just wasting my time; might as well go and play with other toys or get my face painted.

Never really did belong anywhere..

Is it good or bad?

Allah knows best.

Sayap dibuka

Salam.

HBO telah mengembangkan sayap ke alamat berikut: http://fairytaleho.wordpress.com/

Jemputlah membaca.

Perancangan Allah

 

Salam all,

Currently writing from Oman. Why is the title ‘Perancangan Allah’? Because I never ever thought or dream that I would one day put my feet in Oman. Yet, here I am, in a desert somewhere in Oman. And, as a muslim, I strongly believe that this has already been planned by Allah.

Also, before flying to Oman, I had two options. To take the Emirates and transit in Dubai, or take Oman Air and fly directly to Muscat. Many suggested for me to take the Emirates, as I would have the chance to at least see how Dubai is like. Not to forget, I would then be able to say that I have been in Dubai. However, not liking the fact that I will transit for four hours in Dubai (which wouldn’t be sufficient for me to go out and see Dubai anyway), I decided to take Oman Air. I thought, well, probably Allah has not planned for me to go to Dubai. And I wondered if I ever will have that chance.

However, just yesterday, the team geologists informed me that they wanted me to renew my visa so that I can extend my stay in Oman for another 2 weeks or so. In order for me to renew my Visa, I will have to go out to Dubai for 2 days before returning to Oman. Yes, WOW! 2 days is what I need to explore Dubai! huhu.. insya-Allah, only with Allah’s will, this will happen.

I had also previously set foot in Vietnam for four months. Another place which I never thought I’d go to in my life time. Yet, there I was, longer than initially planned. 

Who knows where else Allah has planned for me to travel to. However, no matter where, the most important thing out of all this journey is what you gain from it. Does each journey brings you closer to Allah? Does each journey allows you to reflect upon yourself, how you have lived your life and how you plan to live your life? Does each journey makes you an even better person when you return? If the answer is NO to the above questions, then, probably all the journey was just a waste of time. But if the answer is YES, well, good on ya! You deserve to travel a lot more.. heee~

To me, I’m trying hard so that the answer to the questions above is YES. Insya-Allah.

Hijrah Menuju Allah

Hijrah Menuju Allah; a nasyid sung by Devotees. I've known about this song for a few years already. It is the background song for one of my friend's blog. It was the theme song for the juniors of 2009. And it is also in my nasyid playlists, so I do listen to it occasionally. However, the song has never been that significant to me.

Recently, I came across the lyrics of the nasyid as I was browsing through the internet. When I saw this lyrics, I decided to stop and read through it. And for the first time, the lyrics seemed so meaningful to me, that I felt like crying.

The song is about hijrah. To move from one state to a better state. And to do the hijrah, you have to be very determined.

Bulat niat tekadmu, dalam hijrah mu itu.

And when you have firmly make your decision to make that move, do not fear, as Allah will be with you along the journey.

Allah nanti kan bersama, tempuh jalan yang diredhai..

When you decide to Hijrah, you have to be clear, that the reason you are making this move is solely because of Allah. Because you seek for Allah's blessing. You seek for Allah's love. You seek for Allah's guidance. And you know, that the very same step has been taken by our beloved prophet, Muhammad s.a.w, and his fellow companions, the tabi' and the tabii'ns. All of them, doing it solely for the same purpose; that is to seek for Allah's blessing.

Hijrahmu menuju Allah,

ia sunnah para nabi,

para salihin dan muttaqin,

kembara hati menuju Illahi..

Along the journey, you will face many trials and tribulations. It won't be easy. It never is, saying goodbye to our comfort zone. Saying goodbye to something or someone we dearly love. Saying No! to our lusts and jahiliyah. But we know we have to make the move for the better. Because our purpose of life is Allah. And during the journey, we will miss these things so much. Our heart will be broken to pieces remembering what we have finally decided to leave behind because these things have been a major part of our life before. Regrets and evil whispers starts taking over ourselves that we may at times stop in the middle of the journey and start thinking about turning back. We don't feel like we have the strength to carry on. But dears, when you feel all hopeless and weak, remember, you still have Him. Plead Him for the strength to remain steadfast and to move on.

Andai rasa diri lemah,

diperjalanan hijrahmu

sendirian, tanpa mampu

Mohonlah pada Tuhanmu..

The journey is difficult. The journey is tough. This journey does not promises you red carpets with red roses petals. But always remember, this journey is for Allah. And Allah has promised, that for those who fight for His course, He will give you the best ever reward.. His Paradise.

Hijrah ini memang susah

Hijrah ini memang payah

Hijrah ini menuju Allah

di hujungnya..hasanah

stay strong girl.. hidup ini satu perjuangan

Ranting

Ok, there's gonna be a lot of ranting today.. so bear with me aite.

Last saturday, I attended the rig's weekly safety meeting. At the end of it, there will always be a lucky draw and the lucky person will get some amount of cash. What will be drawn is the week's submitted safety card. Being the only lady on the rig, the HSE officer gave me the honor to make the pick.

With honor, I stood up and rumbled through the set of safety cards in the box, and picked out one card. The HSE officer read out the name. Suddenly, everyone was saying "cahnge..change" as that person is no longer on board. Another officer at the back informed everyone that the personal has left the rig due to an emergency. The guy's father in law had just passed away so he needed to go home immediately. There was a lot of talking made after that. The HSE officer then asked to everyone, "Do you think we should keep this money for that guy?". Then everyone replied, "Yes..yes.. he will need the money". I was really taken aback. Suddenly everyone became so understanding and didn't matter if the money was to go to someone not on the rig. At the end of the day, I thought, no matter what race you are from, a human will still carry with them human values.

That night, logging operation was to commenced. (Please note that this has nothing to do with the story above). I had to be there and monitor the operation. Knowing that it will be a long night, I brought my small Hafazan book with me to keep me occupied. Once the logging operation started, while all the other personnels were talking to each other in Viatnamese, I took out my little book. I had a few options, to refresh the surah the I had once memorized, to read the Quran with it's translation, to read and memorize any of the fourty hadith, or to read ma'thurat. I opted for refreshing the surahs that I had memorized, since it has been a long time since I check my Hafalan, what more to hafal new surahs. So that was what I did. At times when I kind of got stuck somewhere, I'd put my head down on the desk and read it out aloud; well, loud enough for me to hear myself. That way, I could focus more.

At one point, I picked my head up and the wireline engineer took that chance to ask me, "are you alright?". Startled at first, but later chuckled, I answered yes, I was fine. I was just memorizing. The engineer ask: memorizing the Quran?

I answered: Yes

The engineer asked again: why? Is someone going to check when you go back home?

Chuckling again, I answered: No, no..no one is going to check. This is just for myself.

The engineer then nodded, understanding.

Then they (the engineer and another geologist) started asking me questions about Islam. One was that they know if men follow the rule of Allah and stay away from the Haraams, he would go to heaven where he will have a blissful life etc. He asked, what about women? In which I replied that it works the same way for women too. If the women follow the rule of Allah and stay away from the Haraams, women will also enter paradise. He was kind of surprised..maybe because he has only heard about mens before. They also asked the most famous question in Islam about why men get to marry up to four wives; which they of course are against it. And they asked a few other questions too. I also took my chance to ask, what their purpose of life is. Since they don't believe in life after death. Like, why do they have to be good on earth and strive for a living when they can just go rob a bank and live a wealthy life -to which they just sengih. I mean, if they believe that once someone dies, you bury their dead body and their body get decompose by bacteria and that's the end of story, then why do you even bother to live a good decent life when you also have the option to be cruel? This, of course, they had no answer too, and which they admit was a hard question to answer.

Anyway, regarding me doing my Hafalan, I initially hesitated to bring the book out of my pocket. It is kind of a weird thing to do in a wireline unit; whatmore when no one else in that unit is a Muslim. But, if I don't bring the book out, then I will just be staring blankly at the screen for the next few hours. At the end of it, I realized that by ignoring the whispers to be ashamed of such an act, I've actually kind of like introduced Islam to people who may have not had the chance to ask or know much about it before. So, I believe, there is never any harm in being a good Muslim. Nothing to be ashamed of. Plus, even if I was in a muslim country, I think the burden will be more; bringing out my hafalan book and do hafazan when all other muslims around you can't be bothered and might also end up calling you a saint.

Oh yeah, they did kind of noticed the trend that oil and gas are always where the muslims live. And this works even in Vietnam and in Thailand. Wherever the Muslims are living, that's the area with most oil compared to other parts of a country where there are non or less muslims. Then I said, maybe if you become a Muslim, then there will be more oil in your country.. to which I chuckled and they grinned.

On another note, while I was going through my hafazan on Juzu' Amma, I stopped at surah Al-Humazah. Yes, that's the surah which Allah talks about backbitting and how they would end up in Allah's hell, Al-Hutomah. I pondered upon that surah; and about how I personally have slowly forgotten this particular command of Allah. I recalled the times when I've been saying bad things about others to other people; either purposely or accidently (if it even exist!). And even if I hadn't said anything bad, I've sat and listened to other people talking bad things about others; and suprisingly enough finding myself enjoying the gossip. I also remembered how back in Australia, we were trained to leave this particular behaviour, which is also well known to be a typical behaviour of a women. I also remembered how, in my final year, when all those who are going back for good that year sat together to muhasabah and preparing ourselves to return to Malaysia, everyone acknowledge this behavior which is very common among Malaysians and vowed to try our best to not get involved with it. Obviously, I had forgotten all this; and they are all just coming back to me at that moment. Silently, I begged forgiveness from Allah. For forgetting, and for getting involved. I vowed to try my best to always remember to not get involve in such activity any more..for as long as I can help it. It's kind of difficult to do that here, especially when you have started working. There would always be at least one person who just irritates other people, or treat others badly, that you just can't help it but to talk to other people about it. And it blaze up the fire if that friend also has the same experience with the same person and strted fueling the fire with their own stories. It's bad, I know....I hope I will always remember Allah's warning that I will end up in Al-Hutomah if I continue doing that. If you ever find me doing that, please remind me ok?

Alright, I told you there will be a lot of ranting tonight. Going to catch some sleep before drilling starts again.

Oh ya, just before that, I thought I might just share some photo of my nephew. Wah.. I'm an auntie already?? :-P

Adam Alfatih with his grandmother


Adam Alfatih

Orite.. need my sleep. Salaam